We Are The Creators and Destroyers of Worlds

I woke up in a horrible, terrible, incredibly not-good mood today. It's getting closer to shark week, so my emotions are going haywire and I'm focusing on the smallest things today. I find myself wanting to change -- wanting to be happy, but it's as though my head is at war with itself. One one hand, I feel comfortable in the negativity. It has been a companion of mine for quite some time. It's safe. On the other hand, however, I know I am a better person when I'm happy. I want to be a better me, and to do that, I feel that I need to make some changes to myself.

I've written up a list of things I need to fix about myself. I think that part of this is also just changing my perception for certain things. I am, by nature, a negative, jealous, lazy person. But that doesn't mean that I have to stay that way.

Firstly, I need to stop being so negative and stop overthinking. In reality, it doesn't really help anything. Worrying and focusing on the bad only stress me out more. I need to stop thinking in extremes. It's almost comical the way that my head tries to freak me out. Rather than focusing on the bad and getting in a whirlwind of unlikely scenarios -- I should be focusing on the good. Little issues will always happen, and there's no point in stressing over things that won't matter in a month, five years, etc.

Going along with the negative thinking, I also need to be less snarky to certain people. In reality, bad-talking doesn't help anything and causes friction in the long run. I know deep down that by taking a jab at someone, it's simply reinforcing my insecurities in myself. What I need to do is focus on the positive things about these people, rather than pointing out their flaws. No one is perfect; especially myself.

A remedy to the negative thinking, is to simply start smiling and laughing more. By forcing a smile on my face, and thinking of happy things, I can trick my mind into changing my mood. Some jerk cut you off on the way to work? That sucks, but remember when you laughed so hard you almost cried? Hell, even just looking at pictures of cute animals, or texting a friend will typically boost my mood, so why not do it?

I would also love to get back into shape. I have a problem with binging on foods, overeating and eating crap foods in general. I've thought about changing this before, but I need to get serious with it. I need to make a point to drink more water, to go on walks whenever possible or ride my bike when it's nice out. I need to do portion control, stop eating junk and just feel better in general.

I also have a bad habit of blowing money on frivolous things. I am a very impulsive person, so I need to realize where my temptation lies and squash it so I can save more money! By putting more into my savings account, and only having a certain amount of money that I am allowed to spend, I'll save a lot more than if I simply accept every whim.

I need a hobby -- and the one hobby that I find really makes me happy is art. I love painting and hanging them up for visitors to see. I'm a pretty self-loathing person, but it makes me happy when people compliment my work. I need to start setting aside time to be creative. I need to try to learn something new and set a goal to achieve it. I need to be more adventurous. 

Something my dad and I have recently talked about is how much phone-time people nowadays have. Their phones are always on them and it's honestly an issue. I don't remember the last time I went somewhere without my phone, which is a rather sad truth. I want to disconnect from the electronic world. There's nothing incredibly important that's posted on Facebook. It's just a waste of time to occupy the gaps in my day. I need to put it down during dinner, and find alternate things to fill my time instead. By doing so, I'm sure I'll be able to focus on the now much more.

Lastly, although these are all things I want to fix about myself, I also need to remember to simply be myself. Everyone has imperfections. It's how we live with them and push through them that make us who we really are. I need to take a moment to be real and be grateful for who I am. Because I'm the only me that there is. And you know what? I'm happy with myself.

Life Goes On While Worlds Fall Apart

I don't know about all of you, but there are times when I get insanely lonely. This weekend was one of those times. I've literally done nothing but sit at home, eat and watch videos on my computer. I have been one of the most boring people I know and honestly, it's my fault. I could go out and do something, but since the break up and the move, I've noticed that I've become even more fearful of what will happen if I escape from my comfortable, if not confining, bubble. While all of my friends and family are out at family barbecues and being social, I'm sitting at home doing absolutely nothing.

Now I know that change is inevitable, especially after something like a break up or a move. Put them together, and of course I'm bound to feel off for a while. My mind races back to the "what ifs" and I dwell way too much on the negative. I'm stuck complaining to friends 2,000 miles away about how I don't feel like I'm worth anything. The funny thing is that when my friends and family retort with things like: "But you are, my dear! Someday you'll find someone who is worth your time and...." my automatic response is "Yeah, I know." Because truth be told, I do know. However, knowing doesn't really help the situation I'm in at the moment. It's hard to feel like you're worth something when everyone you know seems to be happy without you. My ex started seeing a new whore girl a week after we broke up. Now they're in a serious relationship. My friends in the Midwest had to keep living their lives without me when I left.

I'm not mad at these people (ok, maybe a little mad at my ex). I know that it's only natural. As the title of this entry says "Life goes on while worlds fall apart." I don't expect anyone to put their life on hold to help me while I'm feeling self deprecating. And honestly, I need to fix myself. I know that my past is littered with depression, pessimism, shyness and countless other negative things. I know that I've overcome them before, and it's just something that I need to do again. I have so many dreams and plans that I can't wait to get started on. I want to write a book; to form a band; to create greatness. I want to be someone that people can look to and say "yeah, she had some hurdles to overcome, but look at where she's at now!" It's a long road, and I have to keep my eye on the finish line instead of getting constantly overcome with this feeling of inadequacy.

I remember while I was trying to sleep last night, I wondered why I was alive and whether there was a point to my existence. We all deserve better than the hell we are forced to live, but maybe that's the point of all of this. Maybe it's not about being the next celebrity, but about going through all of this hell and still coming out the other side a better person. And if we can create just a little greatness along the way, then I think we're doing just fine.

Dreams: The Novels of Our Unconscious

Dreams are an interesting thing. They capture everything from your subconscious and transform it into an interesting journey. According to Freud, dreams represent unconscious desires, thoughts and or motivations. As humans, we go through so much and have so many things running through our heads that it makes sense that these thoughts and emotions may need an outlet.

It makes me wonder how many movies, books or pop culture references were created due to dreams. Stephanie Meyers has been quoted as saying she first got the idea for Twilight from a dream. While I'm not a fan of her work, I will admit that I once was. When the Twilight saga first came out, I was on the bandwagon with many of my fellow peers and Meyers' work is known throughout the world. It's an interesting concept, that a dream created such a sensation in the world.

I woke this morning with a vivid dream still lingering in my brain. From what I can remember, I was at some party and I was unpopular. I crawled into a sort of playhouse that had been sitting on the lawn, and to my surprise, there were three people already in there; two were guys I had gone to high school with. They offered me alcohol, which I accepted. Then the cops showed up and tried to arrest us (for drinking I can only assume), but the girl in the house hid the booze and we made a clean break. Fast forward, and I remember Steven Yeun (Glenn from The Walking Dead) lying on the grass. I went over to talk to him and we kissed. I'm sure there's much I'm forgetting, but the randomness of it left me reeling this morning. So I decided to research it.

According to Dream Moods, this is what my dream may have meant:

• Alcohol: Signifies feelings of inadequacy, worries, regrets and fears of being discovered for who you really are. Alcohol is a way to escape or excuse something you did.
• People from HS: Refers to your shadow and other unacknowledged aspects of yourself.
• Police: Symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control. A need to put an end to reckless behavior or failing to honor your obligations and commitments. Being arrested suggests you are sexually or emotionally restrained because of guilt or feeling apprehensive about something.
• Celebrities: Kissing a celebrity indicates your drive to be successful. The movies you associate this celebrity with are clues as to where or what you want to achieve success in.

So basically, if we believe this, apparently my unconscious self is trying to let me know that I feel inadequate; I don't know who I am; I feel guilty for not honoring commitments; and I want to be successful. Honestly, they may not seem 100% correct, but they all do hold some bearing in my life. I do feel inadequate and not know who I really am at times. I had to blow off a friend who invited me out drinking due to unforeseen circumstances (my white bathtub wanted to be green) and felt bad about missing it. And I do want success! I talk to my friends and parents about how I plan to do this or want to do that all the time. It's interesting, though, that I associate Steven Yeun with The Walking Dead, so I suppose I want to be successful with zombie killing. Or maybe it's the love between his character and Maggie (Lauren Cohan) that I want. Hell, it could just be that he's an awesome and successful guy, and I want to be that cool someday. But it's still interesting to me that our brains can take the crap going on in our heads and construct it into a cool, if not a little confusing story.

Have you had any dreams lately? What do you think they mean?

Pancakes

I woke to a cool and overcast day this morning. My best friend, Richard, texted me a good morning and started my day off right with an amazing song (see below). Then I made myself pancakes for breakfast, and my mood shifted. I was blasted with happy memories of my dad making my family pancakes. I could never flip them right but he was and is the pancake-flipping king. It's rather odd that something so minute can make me miss him and the rest of my family like mad.

Today, for me, is the day of battle. I can feel the battle between my typical pessimism and self-hatred rising up with swords against the positive thoughts I'm attempting to implement into my daily life. It's a difficult road and one that I would typically have given up on by now. For example, one of my girl friends texted me today about how she was worried that a guy was in love with her. My first thought was, "At least someone loves you." My last boyfriend dumped me because he fell out of love with me, and when this friend mentioned this fear of love, I couldn't help but take it personally. My thoughts are clouded with thoughts like "I'm not good enough" and "No one will ever love me" today. And I know deep down that these thoughts are ridiculous.

I. Am. Amazing.

Yes, I have my faults like everyone else. But I need to stop looking at those and start building up the things about myself that are absolutely amazing. I have the power to control my life and make myself who I want to be. If I want to change myself, then so be it. But I shouldn't feel obligated to change myself because other people want me to or because I feel I should change for them.

While it sucks that my relationship ended, I'm not sad that it's over. I miss my friendship with my ex more than anything. And I know that I'll have to deal with the jealousy and self-doubt for time to time. I know that although I tell myself that I deserve better (and it's true), stupid thoughts of insignificance and inferiority will plague my mind for a while. It's just part of the healing process. Yes, I was hurt, but that doesn't make me any less of a person than I was before the relationship ended. These are things I need to remember.

Life is too short to hate myself or to tear myself down. It's too short to settle for anything short of true happiness, as well. I deserve the world. And you know what, you do too Reader. We all deserve to be happy and to feel comfortable in our own skin. There's really no point in being unhappy or miserable.

So today, I'll sway the battle raging in my head and in my heart. I'll bet on White, on the positivity, and control my own emotions instead of letting the world do it for me. And then, when it's said and done, I'll call my Daddy and tell him I miss his pancakes. Because that's who I am. :)




FYI: Take a listen to this song and be happy.

New Beginnings

I've spent the entire day devoted to moving. My ex helped me load and unload anything into my car and his truck, and surprisingly, it only took one trip. He was rather upset as he had worked a long night, didn't sleep well, and was scheduled to work as soon as he finished up helping. But me -- I was ecstatic. Nothing could ruin my spirits. I've spent practically the entire day unloading, organizing, and fine-tuning the things I own to turn this place into my home.

And as I sit here in my new condo, I pause to reflect on what could be. On the phone today, my dad said something to the effect of:

"You're where you should've been a year ago and I'm proud of you." 

I don't, by any means, discount the past year and few months. I've loved and I've learned. I've made new friends and astonishingly, kept some of the old. I've grown and am beginning to understand who I am, which is a lesson it's taken me far too long to comprehend. But it makes me curious of what lies ahead. What amazing things does the future hold for me?

Perhaps my bestie and partner in crime, Richard, will move up. If so, the adventures we'll face are monumental. I can only imagine.

I could (and hope to) find more hobbies. And who knows? Maybe one of those future hobbies could lead me down a path I wouldn't have expected.

Maybe I'll fall in love again.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll be happy.

Honestly, one of the most terrifying things about this situation - moving into a place alone - is the possibility of loneliness. I feel as though I've done rather well these past few months alone. I've learned that silence isn't always bad; it can sometimes be overwhelmingly peaceful. But, as a natural-born pessimist, the thoughts of doubt begin to creep into my mind and make me wonder. I don't want to get into the rut that I once was, where I felt alone, unloved and unwanted. I know better than to believe I'm unloved now as my friends and family do their damnedest to remind me everytime I'm with them.

So because of that, and because of my new-found want to be positive, I pledge here that I'll try everything within my power not to let myself fall into the pit of loneliness and self-pity again. I plan to get out of my condo and do things that would have made me uncomfortable. I want to workout so I can work on not only the mental, but the psychical side of myself. Here's to hoping that things fall into place.

The Road Less Traveled

I hail from a tiny town in the Midwest. Population: Just over 1,600. My home was large and my family raised cattle and chickens. Because hey, that's what people do, right? I lived with my parents (who are still married to this day, a feat rivaled in today's society) and my younger brother of two years. It was a good life - simple and non-complex. I knew my place in the world and had no qualms with it...at least not for the first 23 years of my life.

Then I met Mary, an amazing woman with wisdom to share. She opened my eyes to the possibilities, stating that I was young so why shouldn't I live and peruse my dreams before it's too late. In late 2011, I realized that the one thing I wanted more than anything else was to move and get out of the Midwest. Along the way, I met Joe -- a native Washingtonian, who stole my heart and promised me the world. We lived and loved for a year, before the love dwindled and he left me. Honestly, it left me devastated (as any long-term relationship that dies would). For over a week, I bawled my eyes out and kept on with the self-hatred, as I assumed it was my fault the relationship had withered and died.

Then a good friend of mine, Steven, came into my life and showed me that there's more to life than heartbreak. He taught me to stay positive and change my way of thinking; that I am an amazing person and that I deserve the world. And like the spark that ignites the bomb, my life changed. I'm moving closer to where I work (there is nothing like the hatred of stop-and-go traffic). I'm spending more time with new friends. I'm focusing on bettering myself and learning to love who I am.

It's odd to think of the circumstances that brought me to where I am now. But truth be told, I wouldn't change a single thing. Life is about being happy with yourself and I'm finally on my way to achieving that.