Life Goes On While Worlds Fall Apart

I don't know about all of you, but there are times when I get insanely lonely. This weekend was one of those times. I've literally done nothing but sit at home, eat and watch videos on my computer. I have been one of the most boring people I know and honestly, it's my fault. I could go out and do something, but since the break up and the move, I've noticed that I've become even more fearful of what will happen if I escape from my comfortable, if not confining, bubble. While all of my friends and family are out at family barbecues and being social, I'm sitting at home doing absolutely nothing.

Now I know that change is inevitable, especially after something like a break up or a move. Put them together, and of course I'm bound to feel off for a while. My mind races back to the "what ifs" and I dwell way too much on the negative. I'm stuck complaining to friends 2,000 miles away about how I don't feel like I'm worth anything. The funny thing is that when my friends and family retort with things like: "But you are, my dear! Someday you'll find someone who is worth your time and...." my automatic response is "Yeah, I know." Because truth be told, I do know. However, knowing doesn't really help the situation I'm in at the moment. It's hard to feel like you're worth something when everyone you know seems to be happy without you. My ex started seeing a new whore girl a week after we broke up. Now they're in a serious relationship. My friends in the Midwest had to keep living their lives without me when I left.

I'm not mad at these people (ok, maybe a little mad at my ex). I know that it's only natural. As the title of this entry says "Life goes on while worlds fall apart." I don't expect anyone to put their life on hold to help me while I'm feeling self deprecating. And honestly, I need to fix myself. I know that my past is littered with depression, pessimism, shyness and countless other negative things. I know that I've overcome them before, and it's just something that I need to do again. I have so many dreams and plans that I can't wait to get started on. I want to write a book; to form a band; to create greatness. I want to be someone that people can look to and say "yeah, she had some hurdles to overcome, but look at where she's at now!" It's a long road, and I have to keep my eye on the finish line instead of getting constantly overcome with this feeling of inadequacy.

I remember while I was trying to sleep last night, I wondered why I was alive and whether there was a point to my existence. We all deserve better than the hell we are forced to live, but maybe that's the point of all of this. Maybe it's not about being the next celebrity, but about going through all of this hell and still coming out the other side a better person. And if we can create just a little greatness along the way, then I think we're doing just fine.

Pancakes

I woke to a cool and overcast day this morning. My best friend, Richard, texted me a good morning and started my day off right with an amazing song (see below). Then I made myself pancakes for breakfast, and my mood shifted. I was blasted with happy memories of my dad making my family pancakes. I could never flip them right but he was and is the pancake-flipping king. It's rather odd that something so minute can make me miss him and the rest of my family like mad.

Today, for me, is the day of battle. I can feel the battle between my typical pessimism and self-hatred rising up with swords against the positive thoughts I'm attempting to implement into my daily life. It's a difficult road and one that I would typically have given up on by now. For example, one of my girl friends texted me today about how she was worried that a guy was in love with her. My first thought was, "At least someone loves you." My last boyfriend dumped me because he fell out of love with me, and when this friend mentioned this fear of love, I couldn't help but take it personally. My thoughts are clouded with thoughts like "I'm not good enough" and "No one will ever love me" today. And I know deep down that these thoughts are ridiculous.

I. Am. Amazing.

Yes, I have my faults like everyone else. But I need to stop looking at those and start building up the things about myself that are absolutely amazing. I have the power to control my life and make myself who I want to be. If I want to change myself, then so be it. But I shouldn't feel obligated to change myself because other people want me to or because I feel I should change for them.

While it sucks that my relationship ended, I'm not sad that it's over. I miss my friendship with my ex more than anything. And I know that I'll have to deal with the jealousy and self-doubt for time to time. I know that although I tell myself that I deserve better (and it's true), stupid thoughts of insignificance and inferiority will plague my mind for a while. It's just part of the healing process. Yes, I was hurt, but that doesn't make me any less of a person than I was before the relationship ended. These are things I need to remember.

Life is too short to hate myself or to tear myself down. It's too short to settle for anything short of true happiness, as well. I deserve the world. And you know what, you do too Reader. We all deserve to be happy and to feel comfortable in our own skin. There's really no point in being unhappy or miserable.

So today, I'll sway the battle raging in my head and in my heart. I'll bet on White, on the positivity, and control my own emotions instead of letting the world do it for me. And then, when it's said and done, I'll call my Daddy and tell him I miss his pancakes. Because that's who I am. :)




FYI: Take a listen to this song and be happy.