H.A.P.P.Y

Today is my birthday.

I've felt a billion different emotions in the coming days because of this. Happiness because I'm able to live another day. Gratitude towards my loved ones for making me feel so special. Even a little sadness, because I am unable to celebrate it with some of the people closest to me (mom, dad, brother and dog). However, one thing I've never really experienced was the dread of growing older.

While I will admit that the idea of growing old can be a little intimidating, it has never really been something that I have feared. Death, yes...growing up and growing old, no. To me, growing older just means that there are more things for me to experience. In the coming years, I hope to get married and have a child. I hope to buy my own house. I hope to be unequivocally happy.

But the thing is -- I'm already incredibly happy.

I have a great job, and I'm able to prove myself to them every single day. My coworker left at the end of January, so I have been tasked with picking up the slack and kicking butt to get things done. While at first, it was definitely a little intimidating, it's been very rewarding and I love hearing the positive reinforcements at the end of the week. It's funny how something so small as "you're doing great" can really boost how you feel about your job.

I have an amazing family, and although they're not physically near me (they live about 2,000 miles away), they are always with me in heart and spirit. They're super supportive and take every chance possible to show me how much they care. They constantly send me little messages saying "I love you and I miss you." It's so interesting to me to look back at my life and see our relationship and how it's completely bloomed into what we have now. I never expected to be best friends with my parents or brother, but lo and behold -- it's true.

My boyfriend is amazing. Seriously, guys...I hit the jackpot with this one. :) While we have our spats every now and then, I'm never left wondering if he loves me or if he truly cares about me. I know he does. I've been assimilated into his family, little by little, and I'm totally fine with that. I know that although I'm not related to them, they're definitely my family as well. I have a great step-daughter who is teaching me new things and I'm so proud of who she's become in the few years I've known her.

I have opportunities. I have friends. I have hobbies (even if they're lazy ones). I have life. And beyond all of that -- I am happy. It's something all of us aim for, and I'm glad to be one of the ones lucky enough to say that I've made it. I don't need a fancy car or a billion dollars (although if you're offering -- please let me know). My dreams have come true, because I have found happiness in my life. And that's one thing I hope never changes.

This Is Love

I realized today that I am one incredibly lucky woman. Not only do I have a great place, great friends and more money than I need...I have one hell of a catch in the man that I call Boyfriend.

We had a minor spat yesterday, and it made me realize just how lucky I am to finally be with a nice guy. My exes were relatively nice guys as well, but there's a distinct difference between them and this guy. Rather than avoiding conflict and creating more issues in the long run, we address what makes us tick and actually fix the issue. It's the most honest relationship I've ever been in, and I love that.

All the passion in the world can't save a communication-lacking relationship. My two previously failed relationships are proof enough of that. Maybe I'm wise beyond my years. Maybe I've just had enough crap thrown my way prior to this that a nice guy shines like a beacon. Regardless, I'll take it. :) We haven't been together for very long, but I find that the longer we're together, the better it gets.

Lately, work has been rather stressful. The reason for this is because I got a new coworker who's a little behind on what he should know. Not a big deal...I kind of figured I'd have to pick up the slack regardless. However, because this guy isn't performing as the company expected, they're left wondering who could take the spot of Lead Dispatch. Some think it should be me; others believe it should go to someone more qualified. Regardless of what happens, there's one thing that annoys the hell out of me. If you've never worked in an office before, let me tell you one thing: It's as bad as high school when it comes to talk. There's gossip, cliques, and lots of I'm-better-than-you type of interaction. This dispute of who should be lead is a treasure trove of possibilities in the aforementioned ways.

I mention this whole work thing because if it had happened in the previous relationships, the significant other would be annoyed and frustrated with me for venting my say. I know this because with my last ex, anytime I talked about work, his eyes glazed over and he found ways to change the topic. However, with Boyfriend, he listens to me rant and gives constructive criticism. He reminds me that, specifically in this instance, I'm good enough to do anything, despite what my brain might try to tell me. And I think that's another important thing in a relationship. Support and belief in the other is a big deal to me. I want to feel like the person I'm with has my back in everything, and for once I actually do.

Lastly, he's got a child from a past relationship, and while I've dated a single dad before, with that one, I'd never actually met the kid. Not so much with Boyfriend. He brought her along on the zombie walk, which was before we were even official. He invites me to things, and she's taken a liking to me. And honestly...I have with her as well. I'd always wondered how someone could fall in love with the man and his kid, but it makes sense now. She's amazing. He's a great parent with her, and I adore that little girl. When she gets super excited when I show up and screams "Jessi!" it's best described how my bestie says it "my heart does that 'thump thump' thing." I love that he's incorporating me into his family and that it's not weird being around them. It's an awesome feeling.

So alas, that is my life. This post turned out a little more look-at-me that expected, but whatever. ^_^

Butterflies

It's interesting how a kiss on the head is such a small sign of affection, but it can mean so much. Strange how the word beautiful can mean so much more than pretty. So many little things take on such a bigger meaning after time.

I'm fairly certain that despite my attempts to thwart it, I am and have always been a hopeless romantic. When in a relationship, especially one in it's infancy, things are so exciting and captivating. My brain craves cheesy love songs and movies, while my heart skips a beat at the tiniest of things. Aww is one of the most constantly used parts of my vocabulary during that time. It's like with the flip of a switch, I am transformed into a different person.

I mention this because I'm in a new relationship. He's an amazing guy. He's incredibly sweet and easy to talk to. His hobbies and interests mirror some of my own, without being overwhelmingly similar. I feel like we mesh well together and we're both incredibly honest with one another.

And here's the kicker...I get butterflies with him each and every time we're together. Don't get me wrong, I've gotten butterflies before in past relationships. But they always tend to fade quickly. Things get complacent and the spark loses its glow. The attraction is still there, but the excited feeling fades. However, with this guy, it hasn't happened yet and that's amazing to me. I've got a perpetual smile that won't seem to fade, and I'm ok with that. 

Fears vs. Dreams

I mentioned the organization To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) in the last post. They have a very popular campaign called Fears vs. Dreams in which they urge people to write down their deepest fears and their greatest dreams and share them with the world.

 I remember when this first began, I thought for days trying to think of what my fears and dreams were. I feel like I have so many dreams that it was difficult to narrow down. Also, in regards to the fears, the only things that I'm aware of are failure and the occasional snake. However, after looking at some of the other posts, I felt as though I should get deeper and find my true fears and dreams. Finally, it all fell into place and I realized what they really were for me.

Fear: That I'll never truly love myself. 

Dream: That I'll make a difference & help people smile again. 

If you've read any other posts in my blog so far, you know that I struggle with self-esteem and am definitely the type to tear myself down before others have the chance to do it. You'd also know that I have quite a few things on my "To-Do" list of life. In thinking of what I'm most afraid of, I discovered that more than failure and snakes and even drowning (which, lets be honest, is pretty freaking scary), I am afraid of never loving myself. 

On the other hand, when thinking about the dreams I have, I realized that most of what I want to do is about helping others be happy. When I imagine my future bakery, I picture lots of smiling people diving face first into a cupcake. When my mind wanders to the band I'd love to start, I hear my goofy lyrics and see a crowd singing along with smiling faces. Yes, some of it is about making myself happy, but I feel like my dreams are also meant to allow me to be a person people can go to for a smile. 

So let me ask you...what are your biggest Fears and Dreams? Leave me a message!

Help

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it'd be a safe assumption to say that the majority of the human population has experienced depression at some point in their lives. Obviously there are different variations, treatments and outcomes, but it still seems like a topic that is somewhat taboo despite the number of those who've gone through it.

It shouldn't come as a surprise to learn that I, personally, have had a relationship with depression. For me, it struck in the winter of 2007, right as I was about to graduate from my community college. I remember thinking that I would never be good enough to find a job in my desired field (communications and film editing), plus I was about to embark on the last stretch of schooling before I entered the "real world." I had just gotten out of what I thought at the time was a big relationship, and my mind freaked out. I fell into a pit of despair, felt constantly alienated from those around me, and couldn't seem to find my way out of the dark enveloping hole I had fallen into. I was too afraid to ask my family for help; too scared of the judgments to even consider therapy or medication. Eventually, I began to feel a little better. By August of 2008, I was enrolled in the college that I would experience most of my life experiences thus far and meet several people who would change my life. I got on and off Prozac twice. However, the entire time, I could always feel depression looming over me, waiting to strike again.

My tattoo, my contribution, my reminder.
www.twloha.com

A somewhat little known fact about me is that I also used to cut. I started at the young age of 14, and continued up until I was nearly 24. It was my go-to relief. I reached for the razor when I had a bad day, when I felt guilty about something or when I didn't feel at all. It's been researched and apparently the medical field agrees that cutting can release endorphins. Keep in mind that these endorphins are the things that make you feel good when you exercise or after sex. To people who have never cut before, it can be unfathomable. "Why on earth would you deliberately break skin and create scars on yourself? Life can't be that bad!" Honestly, this thinking caused me to cut even more because I felt guilty for feeling depressed. The organization To Write Love On Her Arms was a big factor in helping me get over everything. They're a resource available to anyone experiencing depression, suicide, cutting or addiction.

This leads us to the topic of suicide. While I've never attempted, the thought has crossed my mind once or twice. On three occasions, I've dealt with suicide. One of my friends from my community college shot himself in his hometown. Another of my friends wrote me a suicide letter and tried to hang himself on my birthday. When that failed, he called me atop a tall building, saying he wanted to jump off. I was on the phone with him for hours, trying to remind him of the things that make life worth living. Thankfully, he came down and is still alive today. The third was a great girl I worked with for a year or so. For the year that we worked together, we went out what seemed like every weekend. When I moved to WA, we tried to keep in touch and would text or FB chat every few months. Then one day in November, I get a message from her ex saying that she had killed herself. I never did get any details regarding her unfortunate death, but it was a shock to say the least. It's never easy to lose someone to suicide, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has questioned if there was anything that could've been done to prevent the death of a loved one.

As someone who has struggled with depression and cutting, it's not hard for me to understand what leads people to take their own lives. Things get too difficult, hurt too bad, and it seems as though it's the only viable solution to end the pain. Personally, whenever those thoughts tried to cross my mind, I'd find myself thinking about my family and those I'd leave behind. This alone was reason enough to keep trying. The whole reason for this blog post is because one of my closest friends was informed the other day that a friend of his OD'd on pills, leaving her brain dead, and eventually forcing her family to pull the plug. It made me think of my past, my friends who have resorted to suicide, and what could have been done.

So here you go, world. This is my plea; my call to arms if you will. If you, or anyone you know feels depressed, suicidal or just needs someone to talk to, please get help. Call the Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. It's confidential and free. Get a hold of a friend. I'm always available to talk, if you feel down and out. Just please, please try.

Life Goes On While Worlds Fall Apart

I don't know about all of you, but there are times when I get insanely lonely. This weekend was one of those times. I've literally done nothing but sit at home, eat and watch videos on my computer. I have been one of the most boring people I know and honestly, it's my fault. I could go out and do something, but since the break up and the move, I've noticed that I've become even more fearful of what will happen if I escape from my comfortable, if not confining, bubble. While all of my friends and family are out at family barbecues and being social, I'm sitting at home doing absolutely nothing.

Now I know that change is inevitable, especially after something like a break up or a move. Put them together, and of course I'm bound to feel off for a while. My mind races back to the "what ifs" and I dwell way too much on the negative. I'm stuck complaining to friends 2,000 miles away about how I don't feel like I'm worth anything. The funny thing is that when my friends and family retort with things like: "But you are, my dear! Someday you'll find someone who is worth your time and...." my automatic response is "Yeah, I know." Because truth be told, I do know. However, knowing doesn't really help the situation I'm in at the moment. It's hard to feel like you're worth something when everyone you know seems to be happy without you. My ex started seeing a new whore girl a week after we broke up. Now they're in a serious relationship. My friends in the Midwest had to keep living their lives without me when I left.

I'm not mad at these people (ok, maybe a little mad at my ex). I know that it's only natural. As the title of this entry says "Life goes on while worlds fall apart." I don't expect anyone to put their life on hold to help me while I'm feeling self deprecating. And honestly, I need to fix myself. I know that my past is littered with depression, pessimism, shyness and countless other negative things. I know that I've overcome them before, and it's just something that I need to do again. I have so many dreams and plans that I can't wait to get started on. I want to write a book; to form a band; to create greatness. I want to be someone that people can look to and say "yeah, she had some hurdles to overcome, but look at where she's at now!" It's a long road, and I have to keep my eye on the finish line instead of getting constantly overcome with this feeling of inadequacy.

I remember while I was trying to sleep last night, I wondered why I was alive and whether there was a point to my existence. We all deserve better than the hell we are forced to live, but maybe that's the point of all of this. Maybe it's not about being the next celebrity, but about going through all of this hell and still coming out the other side a better person. And if we can create just a little greatness along the way, then I think we're doing just fine.

Pancakes

I woke to a cool and overcast day this morning. My best friend, Richard, texted me a good morning and started my day off right with an amazing song (see below). Then I made myself pancakes for breakfast, and my mood shifted. I was blasted with happy memories of my dad making my family pancakes. I could never flip them right but he was and is the pancake-flipping king. It's rather odd that something so minute can make me miss him and the rest of my family like mad.

Today, for me, is the day of battle. I can feel the battle between my typical pessimism and self-hatred rising up with swords against the positive thoughts I'm attempting to implement into my daily life. It's a difficult road and one that I would typically have given up on by now. For example, one of my girl friends texted me today about how she was worried that a guy was in love with her. My first thought was, "At least someone loves you." My last boyfriend dumped me because he fell out of love with me, and when this friend mentioned this fear of love, I couldn't help but take it personally. My thoughts are clouded with thoughts like "I'm not good enough" and "No one will ever love me" today. And I know deep down that these thoughts are ridiculous.

I. Am. Amazing.

Yes, I have my faults like everyone else. But I need to stop looking at those and start building up the things about myself that are absolutely amazing. I have the power to control my life and make myself who I want to be. If I want to change myself, then so be it. But I shouldn't feel obligated to change myself because other people want me to or because I feel I should change for them.

While it sucks that my relationship ended, I'm not sad that it's over. I miss my friendship with my ex more than anything. And I know that I'll have to deal with the jealousy and self-doubt for time to time. I know that although I tell myself that I deserve better (and it's true), stupid thoughts of insignificance and inferiority will plague my mind for a while. It's just part of the healing process. Yes, I was hurt, but that doesn't make me any less of a person than I was before the relationship ended. These are things I need to remember.

Life is too short to hate myself or to tear myself down. It's too short to settle for anything short of true happiness, as well. I deserve the world. And you know what, you do too Reader. We all deserve to be happy and to feel comfortable in our own skin. There's really no point in being unhappy or miserable.

So today, I'll sway the battle raging in my head and in my heart. I'll bet on White, on the positivity, and control my own emotions instead of letting the world do it for me. And then, when it's said and done, I'll call my Daddy and tell him I miss his pancakes. Because that's who I am. :)




FYI: Take a listen to this song and be happy.