The Itch

I've got the tattoo itch, bad. As an already tattooed individual, I can completely stand behind the claim that once you're tattooed, you'll want more.

I got my first tattoo around 2007, after months of deliberation. It was a small piece, but I remember the drive was incredibly long and I was sweating bullets the entire way down. When I finally arrived at the tattoo parlor, my nerves vanished. I gave the artist my design, he copied it down and placed it on my shoulder blade, and went to town. Within 25 minutes (or less), it was complete.

Sometime around six months later, I felt the itch to get another. I can still remember driving up to a concert with a friend, and thinking "why don't I just get it now?" I didn't, mind you. I waited...about a month later, and then finally broke down. I went to the same parlor and it was just like before. In and out within a few minutes.

The last one I got was around my birthday in 2011; a birthday gift to myself, if you will. It was by far, the most painful out of the bunch, as it's down my abdomen - from my bra line to my panty line. It took a little over two hours and I cringed the entire time. But, ironically, it kind of reminded me that beauty is painful. To me, expressing myself through art was more than enough motivation to withstand a little pain.

All of my tattoos have meant something personal to me. Despite the insatiable urge to get another, I typically dwell on the design for months to make sure it means enough. My first was about beating depression. The second was about cutting. And the third, was a reminder that I am beautiful, despite what gets thrown my way. I've never once regretted any of my tattoos.

Now, after an over two year waiting period, I'm beginning to feel the tattoo itch stronger than ever. I have the means; I have the idea; I just have to get the specifics. Though my parents would freak, my mind keeps wandering back to the half-sleeve tattoo I've been contemplating for years. The idea behind the half-sleeve holds its roots in my urge to move across country to Washington state. I've been told many times by countless people that I am strong and independent, and that I've got more guts than most to uproot my life and settle elsewhere. While I may over-think (a lot), I still have a tendency of sticking to my guns and doing what I can. Because of this, I want my next tattoo to represent that nothing is out of reach. Whether it be love, happiness, or a shiny car; it's all within your reach as long as you try.

So that's my tattoo story. Three down, many more to go. What kind of tattoos do you all have? Or any that you'd like to get but haven't yet? Let me know in the comments!

Update: I did get a new tattoo. See below:

This Is Love

I realized today that I am one incredibly lucky woman. Not only do I have a great place, great friends and more money than I need...I have one hell of a catch in the man that I call Boyfriend.

We had a minor spat yesterday, and it made me realize just how lucky I am to finally be with a nice guy. My exes were relatively nice guys as well, but there's a distinct difference between them and this guy. Rather than avoiding conflict and creating more issues in the long run, we address what makes us tick and actually fix the issue. It's the most honest relationship I've ever been in, and I love that.

All the passion in the world can't save a communication-lacking relationship. My two previously failed relationships are proof enough of that. Maybe I'm wise beyond my years. Maybe I've just had enough crap thrown my way prior to this that a nice guy shines like a beacon. Regardless, I'll take it. :) We haven't been together for very long, but I find that the longer we're together, the better it gets.

Lately, work has been rather stressful. The reason for this is because I got a new coworker who's a little behind on what he should know. Not a big deal...I kind of figured I'd have to pick up the slack regardless. However, because this guy isn't performing as the company expected, they're left wondering who could take the spot of Lead Dispatch. Some think it should be me; others believe it should go to someone more qualified. Regardless of what happens, there's one thing that annoys the hell out of me. If you've never worked in an office before, let me tell you one thing: It's as bad as high school when it comes to talk. There's gossip, cliques, and lots of I'm-better-than-you type of interaction. This dispute of who should be lead is a treasure trove of possibilities in the aforementioned ways.

I mention this whole work thing because if it had happened in the previous relationships, the significant other would be annoyed and frustrated with me for venting my say. I know this because with my last ex, anytime I talked about work, his eyes glazed over and he found ways to change the topic. However, with Boyfriend, he listens to me rant and gives constructive criticism. He reminds me that, specifically in this instance, I'm good enough to do anything, despite what my brain might try to tell me. And I think that's another important thing in a relationship. Support and belief in the other is a big deal to me. I want to feel like the person I'm with has my back in everything, and for once I actually do.

Lastly, he's got a child from a past relationship, and while I've dated a single dad before, with that one, I'd never actually met the kid. Not so much with Boyfriend. He brought her along on the zombie walk, which was before we were even official. He invites me to things, and she's taken a liking to me. And honestly...I have with her as well. I'd always wondered how someone could fall in love with the man and his kid, but it makes sense now. She's amazing. He's a great parent with her, and I adore that little girl. When she gets super excited when I show up and screams "Jessi!" it's best described how my bestie says it "my heart does that 'thump thump' thing." I love that he's incorporating me into his family and that it's not weird being around them. It's an awesome feeling.

So alas, that is my life. This post turned out a little more look-at-me that expected, but whatever. ^_^

Danger: Boredom

This morning, my alarm scared me into consciousness, and I felt entire being seemingly screaming at me saying "No....stay here! There are bad things ahead!" And you know what? My mind was right.

Today's not necessarily a bad day, but it's definitely one where the comfort of my warm bed and the privacy of my own house are very appealing. I find myself drifting in and out of daydreams and wishing for unconsciousness while at work. My tasks are repetitive, my coworkers are annoying and rather bossy, and I can't help but yearn for the blue sky I can see out my window. 

My thoughts exactly.

It's interesting, however, that when waking up this morning, I had the sense that I should call in. I'm sure we all experience the sense of dread from work or school or some event we don't want to do. I know at least three of the five workdays, I wake up dreading work. However, today it was almost overpowering.

My drive to work was fine, but it seemed as though as soon as my butt hit the chair and my hands touched the keyboard, there was junk to take care of. The sense of urgency is like the ocean at the office I work at. At some points, it's calm and relaxing. But other times, all hell breaks loose. The phones ring off their hooks, the technicians go crazy and act like children, and the supervisors or fellow coworkers squawk around like chickens with their ego-boosted heads chopped off. It's all rather distracting, to say the least.

I find myself daydreaming until 1pm, so that I can take my lunch break. Little known fact: 1/2 of the time, I take a nap on my lunch break rather than eat. (Oh the joys of living close to work!) Once I clock back in from lunch, it's a 3-hr wait to go home again. Typically it goes by rather quickly, but on days like today, it wouldn't surprise me if it took forever to go by.

Time is a funny thing like that. The moments you want to last tend to pass you by quickly, while the ones you wish would speed past tend to drag on. The first day that the boyfriend came over to hang out with me, time went so quickly. He came over around 7 or 8pm, and the next thing we know, it's 4am. However, it's nearly noon at this very second, and my brain keeps saying "Good God, we've still got five more hours!" I try to make the time go by quicker, but today it's just not happening.

Looks like it's time to break out the drawing utensils to pass my time! Got any ideas as to how to pass the time? Or want to speculate as to a) why time gets slower or faster dependent on what we're doing or b) how our minds know (sometimes) about the hell-day we're about to walk into? Leave me a comment!

Inspiration: Tom Hiddleston

I am a huge nerd for those of you who may not know. I spent the majority of my weekend watching small panels from this year's Comic-Con in San Diego, specifically from The Nerd Machine. They hosted panels called "Conversations for a Cause" that helped raise money for Operation Smile (an organization to help children born with cleft lip/palate). The Nerd Machine was founded by Zachary Levi -- who you might remember from the awesome show "Chuck."

Anywaaaay...while filling my brain with people like Nathan Fillion and Alan Tudyk, Matt Smith, Steven Moffat, and Jenna Coleman, and so many more. But amidst all of those, there was one that caught my attention more than the others.

Tom Hiddleston. 

This man is amazing. Most people know him from his portrayal of Loki in Thor and The Avengers, as both were incredibly popular films in the past years. The upcoming movie Thor: The Dark World (out November 8th of this year), is perpetuating his fame even more. However, I learned a lot more about his character after watching the video below. I would definitely recommend watching it. If you've got an hour of your day to waste, do it!

Regardless, the whole point of this post is that watching the video below absolutely inspired me. I posted a quote that he had referred to on my Facebook page. It was from Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream and said, "Take pains, be perfect." He then goes on to describe how to him, this means that it's ok to feel. He talks about doing what you love and how you've only got one life to live, so why waste it. Something about it really resonated with me.

I sometimes get into moods where I'm complacent with what I'm doing. My job works for now - it pays the bills, and it's not too incredibly difficult. But after watching this man speak, I feel like I'm meant for so much more. The hopes and dreams I have don't seem unreachable, and I feel my brain push me towards art, books and music. I hope this new found inspiration sticks with me and that Tom Hiddleston can help you into inspiration as well.

Butterflies

It's interesting how a kiss on the head is such a small sign of affection, but it can mean so much. Strange how the word beautiful can mean so much more than pretty. So many little things take on such a bigger meaning after time.

I'm fairly certain that despite my attempts to thwart it, I am and have always been a hopeless romantic. When in a relationship, especially one in it's infancy, things are so exciting and captivating. My brain craves cheesy love songs and movies, while my heart skips a beat at the tiniest of things. Aww is one of the most constantly used parts of my vocabulary during that time. It's like with the flip of a switch, I am transformed into a different person.

I mention this because I'm in a new relationship. He's an amazing guy. He's incredibly sweet and easy to talk to. His hobbies and interests mirror some of my own, without being overwhelmingly similar. I feel like we mesh well together and we're both incredibly honest with one another.

And here's the kicker...I get butterflies with him each and every time we're together. Don't get me wrong, I've gotten butterflies before in past relationships. But they always tend to fade quickly. Things get complacent and the spark loses its glow. The attraction is still there, but the excited feeling fades. However, with this guy, it hasn't happened yet and that's amazing to me. I've got a perpetual smile that won't seem to fade, and I'm ok with that. 

Fears vs. Dreams

I mentioned the organization To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) in the last post. They have a very popular campaign called Fears vs. Dreams in which they urge people to write down their deepest fears and their greatest dreams and share them with the world.

 I remember when this first began, I thought for days trying to think of what my fears and dreams were. I feel like I have so many dreams that it was difficult to narrow down. Also, in regards to the fears, the only things that I'm aware of are failure and the occasional snake. However, after looking at some of the other posts, I felt as though I should get deeper and find my true fears and dreams. Finally, it all fell into place and I realized what they really were for me.

Fear: That I'll never truly love myself. 

Dream: That I'll make a difference & help people smile again. 

If you've read any other posts in my blog so far, you know that I struggle with self-esteem and am definitely the type to tear myself down before others have the chance to do it. You'd also know that I have quite a few things on my "To-Do" list of life. In thinking of what I'm most afraid of, I discovered that more than failure and snakes and even drowning (which, lets be honest, is pretty freaking scary), I am afraid of never loving myself. 

On the other hand, when thinking about the dreams I have, I realized that most of what I want to do is about helping others be happy. When I imagine my future bakery, I picture lots of smiling people diving face first into a cupcake. When my mind wanders to the band I'd love to start, I hear my goofy lyrics and see a crowd singing along with smiling faces. Yes, some of it is about making myself happy, but I feel like my dreams are also meant to allow me to be a person people can go to for a smile. 

So let me ask you...what are your biggest Fears and Dreams? Leave me a message!

Help

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it'd be a safe assumption to say that the majority of the human population has experienced depression at some point in their lives. Obviously there are different variations, treatments and outcomes, but it still seems like a topic that is somewhat taboo despite the number of those who've gone through it.

It shouldn't come as a surprise to learn that I, personally, have had a relationship with depression. For me, it struck in the winter of 2007, right as I was about to graduate from my community college. I remember thinking that I would never be good enough to find a job in my desired field (communications and film editing), plus I was about to embark on the last stretch of schooling before I entered the "real world." I had just gotten out of what I thought at the time was a big relationship, and my mind freaked out. I fell into a pit of despair, felt constantly alienated from those around me, and couldn't seem to find my way out of the dark enveloping hole I had fallen into. I was too afraid to ask my family for help; too scared of the judgments to even consider therapy or medication. Eventually, I began to feel a little better. By August of 2008, I was enrolled in the college that I would experience most of my life experiences thus far and meet several people who would change my life. I got on and off Prozac twice. However, the entire time, I could always feel depression looming over me, waiting to strike again.

My tattoo, my contribution, my reminder.
www.twloha.com

A somewhat little known fact about me is that I also used to cut. I started at the young age of 14, and continued up until I was nearly 24. It was my go-to relief. I reached for the razor when I had a bad day, when I felt guilty about something or when I didn't feel at all. It's been researched and apparently the medical field agrees that cutting can release endorphins. Keep in mind that these endorphins are the things that make you feel good when you exercise or after sex. To people who have never cut before, it can be unfathomable. "Why on earth would you deliberately break skin and create scars on yourself? Life can't be that bad!" Honestly, this thinking caused me to cut even more because I felt guilty for feeling depressed. The organization To Write Love On Her Arms was a big factor in helping me get over everything. They're a resource available to anyone experiencing depression, suicide, cutting or addiction.

This leads us to the topic of suicide. While I've never attempted, the thought has crossed my mind once or twice. On three occasions, I've dealt with suicide. One of my friends from my community college shot himself in his hometown. Another of my friends wrote me a suicide letter and tried to hang himself on my birthday. When that failed, he called me atop a tall building, saying he wanted to jump off. I was on the phone with him for hours, trying to remind him of the things that make life worth living. Thankfully, he came down and is still alive today. The third was a great girl I worked with for a year or so. For the year that we worked together, we went out what seemed like every weekend. When I moved to WA, we tried to keep in touch and would text or FB chat every few months. Then one day in November, I get a message from her ex saying that she had killed herself. I never did get any details regarding her unfortunate death, but it was a shock to say the least. It's never easy to lose someone to suicide, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has questioned if there was anything that could've been done to prevent the death of a loved one.

As someone who has struggled with depression and cutting, it's not hard for me to understand what leads people to take their own lives. Things get too difficult, hurt too bad, and it seems as though it's the only viable solution to end the pain. Personally, whenever those thoughts tried to cross my mind, I'd find myself thinking about my family and those I'd leave behind. This alone was reason enough to keep trying. The whole reason for this blog post is because one of my closest friends was informed the other day that a friend of his OD'd on pills, leaving her brain dead, and eventually forcing her family to pull the plug. It made me think of my past, my friends who have resorted to suicide, and what could have been done.

So here you go, world. This is my plea; my call to arms if you will. If you, or anyone you know feels depressed, suicidal or just needs someone to talk to, please get help. Call the Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. It's confidential and free. Get a hold of a friend. I'm always available to talk, if you feel down and out. Just please, please try.

Life Goes On While Worlds Fall Apart

I don't know about all of you, but there are times when I get insanely lonely. This weekend was one of those times. I've literally done nothing but sit at home, eat and watch videos on my computer. I have been one of the most boring people I know and honestly, it's my fault. I could go out and do something, but since the break up and the move, I've noticed that I've become even more fearful of what will happen if I escape from my comfortable, if not confining, bubble. While all of my friends and family are out at family barbecues and being social, I'm sitting at home doing absolutely nothing.

Now I know that change is inevitable, especially after something like a break up or a move. Put them together, and of course I'm bound to feel off for a while. My mind races back to the "what ifs" and I dwell way too much on the negative. I'm stuck complaining to friends 2,000 miles away about how I don't feel like I'm worth anything. The funny thing is that when my friends and family retort with things like: "But you are, my dear! Someday you'll find someone who is worth your time and...." my automatic response is "Yeah, I know." Because truth be told, I do know. However, knowing doesn't really help the situation I'm in at the moment. It's hard to feel like you're worth something when everyone you know seems to be happy without you. My ex started seeing a new whore girl a week after we broke up. Now they're in a serious relationship. My friends in the Midwest had to keep living their lives without me when I left.

I'm not mad at these people (ok, maybe a little mad at my ex). I know that it's only natural. As the title of this entry says "Life goes on while worlds fall apart." I don't expect anyone to put their life on hold to help me while I'm feeling self deprecating. And honestly, I need to fix myself. I know that my past is littered with depression, pessimism, shyness and countless other negative things. I know that I've overcome them before, and it's just something that I need to do again. I have so many dreams and plans that I can't wait to get started on. I want to write a book; to form a band; to create greatness. I want to be someone that people can look to and say "yeah, she had some hurdles to overcome, but look at where she's at now!" It's a long road, and I have to keep my eye on the finish line instead of getting constantly overcome with this feeling of inadequacy.

I remember while I was trying to sleep last night, I wondered why I was alive and whether there was a point to my existence. We all deserve better than the hell we are forced to live, but maybe that's the point of all of this. Maybe it's not about being the next celebrity, but about going through all of this hell and still coming out the other side a better person. And if we can create just a little greatness along the way, then I think we're doing just fine.

Braaaaaains

The topic of the day is zombies. It struck me today that I didn't have a zombie survival guide in the case of Z-Day. For those less nerdy than I, if you want to substitute the word "epidemic" for the word "zombie" in this article, that is totally acceptable. In reality, any epidemic, zombie or otherwise is something that we should all be prepared for. Don't get me wrong, I don't have an underground bunker (yet...those things are expensive), but I do think that preparation is key.

If you do a quick Google search for "Zombie Survival" you'll more than likely run into Max Brooks' Zombie Survival Guide. This is your bible in the zombie plague. Rather than looking at it as a joke, Brooks takes the time to go through terrains, weapons, and so on to give the reader a real understanding of what life may be like in this hypothetical place. Buy it. Love it. Use it.

There are several theories on how the zombie infection could or will begin. That's a completely separate blog post that I'll get to at a future date. What I want to cover in this post is what you should have in your Zombie Survival Kit. Really this stuff should be in your home in case of any disaster. Get those credit cards ready, my friends. It's time to shop!

First you'll need weapons. I won't lie and pretend to know anything about weapons in general, but the general consensus is that you will need a rifle or shotgun, at least one handgun, and lots of ammo. Cabela's or a hunting/gun store would be the obvious place to go for these. I think a melee weapon is also important. For this, I'd recommend a machete, ax or some kind of long blade. Where will you be without ammo?

Second, get a backpack. It seems like a "duh" kind of thing, but you never know what kind of hell you'll be going through. Good straps and resilient fabric is a must.

Third, you need general camping gear. This is self explanatory. If you're on the run, take things you're going to need. Sleeping back--check. Flashlight and radio--check. Extra batteries (tho getting anything solar powered is better)--check. First aid kit--check. Firestarter (as in matches, flint, etc)--check. At least one pot for water and food--check.

Red, White & Dead 2012 -
Zombie Walk thru Downtown Fremont

Fourth, bring a shovel. Folding is preferred, unless you want to lug around a large full-sized shovel where. You never know when you'll need a hole. (Bathroom, anyone?) Plus, it can always be used to sever a zombie head from its body.

Fifth, and something I wouldn't normally think of is a tarp. The possibilities are endless for this.

Six, you need clothes and general living amenities. Put down your anti-aging cream and pick up some toilet paper and things that will actually come in useful.

Seven, and probably the most obvious thing is food and water. Non-perishable munchies and at least one if not two liters of water. Make sure to save your containers too...you'll need to refill eventually.

Eight, good boots. Running around during the apocolypse is not going to be fun in a pair of flip flops. Trust me...I get blisters after a day on the town. A whole month without good footwear will leave you hurting, literally.

Last but not least, the miscellaneous. Cards, books, pencils and pens, paper, duct tape, a multi-tool, and so forth. Gather stuff you could use and if you don't, you can always trade it.

If I missed anything, let me know!! Keep calm and a level head and you'll do fine. And don't forget--double tap!

Dreams: The Novels of Our Unconscious

Dreams are an interesting thing. They capture everything from your subconscious and transform it into an interesting journey. According to Freud, dreams represent unconscious desires, thoughts and or motivations. As humans, we go through so much and have so many things running through our heads that it makes sense that these thoughts and emotions may need an outlet.

It makes me wonder how many movies, books or pop culture references were created due to dreams. Stephanie Meyers has been quoted as saying she first got the idea for Twilight from a dream. While I'm not a fan of her work, I will admit that I once was. When the Twilight saga first came out, I was on the bandwagon with many of my fellow peers and Meyers' work is known throughout the world. It's an interesting concept, that a dream created such a sensation in the world.

I woke this morning with a vivid dream still lingering in my brain. From what I can remember, I was at some party and I was unpopular. I crawled into a sort of playhouse that had been sitting on the lawn, and to my surprise, there were three people already in there; two were guys I had gone to high school with. They offered me alcohol, which I accepted. Then the cops showed up and tried to arrest us (for drinking I can only assume), but the girl in the house hid the booze and we made a clean break. Fast forward, and I remember Steven Yeun (Glenn from The Walking Dead) lying on the grass. I went over to talk to him and we kissed. I'm sure there's much I'm forgetting, but the randomness of it left me reeling this morning. So I decided to research it.

According to Dream Moods, this is what my dream may have meant:

• Alcohol: Signifies feelings of inadequacy, worries, regrets and fears of being discovered for who you really are. Alcohol is a way to escape or excuse something you did.
• People from HS: Refers to your shadow and other unacknowledged aspects of yourself.
• Police: Symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control. A need to put an end to reckless behavior or failing to honor your obligations and commitments. Being arrested suggests you are sexually or emotionally restrained because of guilt or feeling apprehensive about something.
• Celebrities: Kissing a celebrity indicates your drive to be successful. The movies you associate this celebrity with are clues as to where or what you want to achieve success in.

So basically, if we believe this, apparently my unconscious self is trying to let me know that I feel inadequate; I don't know who I am; I feel guilty for not honoring commitments; and I want to be successful. Honestly, they may not seem 100% correct, but they all do hold some bearing in my life. I do feel inadequate and not know who I really am at times. I had to blow off a friend who invited me out drinking due to unforeseen circumstances (my white bathtub wanted to be green) and felt bad about missing it. And I do want success! I talk to my friends and parents about how I plan to do this or want to do that all the time. It's interesting, though, that I associate Steven Yeun with The Walking Dead, so I suppose I want to be successful with zombie killing. Or maybe it's the love between his character and Maggie (Lauren Cohan) that I want. Hell, it could just be that he's an awesome and successful guy, and I want to be that cool someday. But it's still interesting to me that our brains can take the crap going on in our heads and construct it into a cool, if not a little confusing story.

Have you had any dreams lately? What do you think they mean?

Pancakes

I woke to a cool and overcast day this morning. My best friend, Richard, texted me a good morning and started my day off right with an amazing song (see below). Then I made myself pancakes for breakfast, and my mood shifted. I was blasted with happy memories of my dad making my family pancakes. I could never flip them right but he was and is the pancake-flipping king. It's rather odd that something so minute can make me miss him and the rest of my family like mad.

Today, for me, is the day of battle. I can feel the battle between my typical pessimism and self-hatred rising up with swords against the positive thoughts I'm attempting to implement into my daily life. It's a difficult road and one that I would typically have given up on by now. For example, one of my girl friends texted me today about how she was worried that a guy was in love with her. My first thought was, "At least someone loves you." My last boyfriend dumped me because he fell out of love with me, and when this friend mentioned this fear of love, I couldn't help but take it personally. My thoughts are clouded with thoughts like "I'm not good enough" and "No one will ever love me" today. And I know deep down that these thoughts are ridiculous.

I. Am. Amazing.

Yes, I have my faults like everyone else. But I need to stop looking at those and start building up the things about myself that are absolutely amazing. I have the power to control my life and make myself who I want to be. If I want to change myself, then so be it. But I shouldn't feel obligated to change myself because other people want me to or because I feel I should change for them.

While it sucks that my relationship ended, I'm not sad that it's over. I miss my friendship with my ex more than anything. And I know that I'll have to deal with the jealousy and self-doubt for time to time. I know that although I tell myself that I deserve better (and it's true), stupid thoughts of insignificance and inferiority will plague my mind for a while. It's just part of the healing process. Yes, I was hurt, but that doesn't make me any less of a person than I was before the relationship ended. These are things I need to remember.

Life is too short to hate myself or to tear myself down. It's too short to settle for anything short of true happiness, as well. I deserve the world. And you know what, you do too Reader. We all deserve to be happy and to feel comfortable in our own skin. There's really no point in being unhappy or miserable.

So today, I'll sway the battle raging in my head and in my heart. I'll bet on White, on the positivity, and control my own emotions instead of letting the world do it for me. And then, when it's said and done, I'll call my Daddy and tell him I miss his pancakes. Because that's who I am. :)




FYI: Take a listen to this song and be happy.

New Beginnings

I've spent the entire day devoted to moving. My ex helped me load and unload anything into my car and his truck, and surprisingly, it only took one trip. He was rather upset as he had worked a long night, didn't sleep well, and was scheduled to work as soon as he finished up helping. But me -- I was ecstatic. Nothing could ruin my spirits. I've spent practically the entire day unloading, organizing, and fine-tuning the things I own to turn this place into my home.

And as I sit here in my new condo, I pause to reflect on what could be. On the phone today, my dad said something to the effect of:

"You're where you should've been a year ago and I'm proud of you." 

I don't, by any means, discount the past year and few months. I've loved and I've learned. I've made new friends and astonishingly, kept some of the old. I've grown and am beginning to understand who I am, which is a lesson it's taken me far too long to comprehend. But it makes me curious of what lies ahead. What amazing things does the future hold for me?

Perhaps my bestie and partner in crime, Richard, will move up. If so, the adventures we'll face are monumental. I can only imagine.

I could (and hope to) find more hobbies. And who knows? Maybe one of those future hobbies could lead me down a path I wouldn't have expected.

Maybe I'll fall in love again.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll be happy.

Honestly, one of the most terrifying things about this situation - moving into a place alone - is the possibility of loneliness. I feel as though I've done rather well these past few months alone. I've learned that silence isn't always bad; it can sometimes be overwhelmingly peaceful. But, as a natural-born pessimist, the thoughts of doubt begin to creep into my mind and make me wonder. I don't want to get into the rut that I once was, where I felt alone, unloved and unwanted. I know better than to believe I'm unloved now as my friends and family do their damnedest to remind me everytime I'm with them.

So because of that, and because of my new-found want to be positive, I pledge here that I'll try everything within my power not to let myself fall into the pit of loneliness and self-pity again. I plan to get out of my condo and do things that would have made me uncomfortable. I want to workout so I can work on not only the mental, but the psychical side of myself. Here's to hoping that things fall into place.

The Road Less Traveled

I hail from a tiny town in the Midwest. Population: Just over 1,600. My home was large and my family raised cattle and chickens. Because hey, that's what people do, right? I lived with my parents (who are still married to this day, a feat rivaled in today's society) and my younger brother of two years. It was a good life - simple and non-complex. I knew my place in the world and had no qualms with it...at least not for the first 23 years of my life.

Then I met Mary, an amazing woman with wisdom to share. She opened my eyes to the possibilities, stating that I was young so why shouldn't I live and peruse my dreams before it's too late. In late 2011, I realized that the one thing I wanted more than anything else was to move and get out of the Midwest. Along the way, I met Joe -- a native Washingtonian, who stole my heart and promised me the world. We lived and loved for a year, before the love dwindled and he left me. Honestly, it left me devastated (as any long-term relationship that dies would). For over a week, I bawled my eyes out and kept on with the self-hatred, as I assumed it was my fault the relationship had withered and died.

Then a good friend of mine, Steven, came into my life and showed me that there's more to life than heartbreak. He taught me to stay positive and change my way of thinking; that I am an amazing person and that I deserve the world. And like the spark that ignites the bomb, my life changed. I'm moving closer to where I work (there is nothing like the hatred of stop-and-go traffic). I'm spending more time with new friends. I'm focusing on bettering myself and learning to love who I am.

It's odd to think of the circumstances that brought me to where I am now. But truth be told, I wouldn't change a single thing. Life is about being happy with yourself and I'm finally on my way to achieving that.