H.A.P.P.Y

Today is my birthday.

I've felt a billion different emotions in the coming days because of this. Happiness because I'm able to live another day. Gratitude towards my loved ones for making me feel so special. Even a little sadness, because I am unable to celebrate it with some of the people closest to me (mom, dad, brother and dog). However, one thing I've never really experienced was the dread of growing older.

While I will admit that the idea of growing old can be a little intimidating, it has never really been something that I have feared. Death, yes...growing up and growing old, no. To me, growing older just means that there are more things for me to experience. In the coming years, I hope to get married and have a child. I hope to buy my own house. I hope to be unequivocally happy.

But the thing is -- I'm already incredibly happy.

I have a great job, and I'm able to prove myself to them every single day. My coworker left at the end of January, so I have been tasked with picking up the slack and kicking butt to get things done. While at first, it was definitely a little intimidating, it's been very rewarding and I love hearing the positive reinforcements at the end of the week. It's funny how something so small as "you're doing great" can really boost how you feel about your job.

I have an amazing family, and although they're not physically near me (they live about 2,000 miles away), they are always with me in heart and spirit. They're super supportive and take every chance possible to show me how much they care. They constantly send me little messages saying "I love you and I miss you." It's so interesting to me to look back at my life and see our relationship and how it's completely bloomed into what we have now. I never expected to be best friends with my parents or brother, but lo and behold -- it's true.

My boyfriend is amazing. Seriously, guys...I hit the jackpot with this one. :) While we have our spats every now and then, I'm never left wondering if he loves me or if he truly cares about me. I know he does. I've been assimilated into his family, little by little, and I'm totally fine with that. I know that although I'm not related to them, they're definitely my family as well. I have a great step-daughter who is teaching me new things and I'm so proud of who she's become in the few years I've known her.

I have opportunities. I have friends. I have hobbies (even if they're lazy ones). I have life. And beyond all of that -- I am happy. It's something all of us aim for, and I'm glad to be one of the ones lucky enough to say that I've made it. I don't need a fancy car or a billion dollars (although if you're offering -- please let me know). My dreams have come true, because I have found happiness in my life. And that's one thing I hope never changes.

We Are The Creators and Destroyers of Worlds

I woke up in a horrible, terrible, incredibly not-good mood today. It's getting closer to shark week, so my emotions are going haywire and I'm focusing on the smallest things today. I find myself wanting to change -- wanting to be happy, but it's as though my head is at war with itself. One one hand, I feel comfortable in the negativity. It has been a companion of mine for quite some time. It's safe. On the other hand, however, I know I am a better person when I'm happy. I want to be a better me, and to do that, I feel that I need to make some changes to myself.

I've written up a list of things I need to fix about myself. I think that part of this is also just changing my perception for certain things. I am, by nature, a negative, jealous, lazy person. But that doesn't mean that I have to stay that way.

Firstly, I need to stop being so negative and stop overthinking. In reality, it doesn't really help anything. Worrying and focusing on the bad only stress me out more. I need to stop thinking in extremes. It's almost comical the way that my head tries to freak me out. Rather than focusing on the bad and getting in a whirlwind of unlikely scenarios -- I should be focusing on the good. Little issues will always happen, and there's no point in stressing over things that won't matter in a month, five years, etc.

Going along with the negative thinking, I also need to be less snarky to certain people. In reality, bad-talking doesn't help anything and causes friction in the long run. I know deep down that by taking a jab at someone, it's simply reinforcing my insecurities in myself. What I need to do is focus on the positive things about these people, rather than pointing out their flaws. No one is perfect; especially myself.

A remedy to the negative thinking, is to simply start smiling and laughing more. By forcing a smile on my face, and thinking of happy things, I can trick my mind into changing my mood. Some jerk cut you off on the way to work? That sucks, but remember when you laughed so hard you almost cried? Hell, even just looking at pictures of cute animals, or texting a friend will typically boost my mood, so why not do it?

I would also love to get back into shape. I have a problem with binging on foods, overeating and eating crap foods in general. I've thought about changing this before, but I need to get serious with it. I need to make a point to drink more water, to go on walks whenever possible or ride my bike when it's nice out. I need to do portion control, stop eating junk and just feel better in general.

I also have a bad habit of blowing money on frivolous things. I am a very impulsive person, so I need to realize where my temptation lies and squash it so I can save more money! By putting more into my savings account, and only having a certain amount of money that I am allowed to spend, I'll save a lot more than if I simply accept every whim.

I need a hobby -- and the one hobby that I find really makes me happy is art. I love painting and hanging them up for visitors to see. I'm a pretty self-loathing person, but it makes me happy when people compliment my work. I need to start setting aside time to be creative. I need to try to learn something new and set a goal to achieve it. I need to be more adventurous. 

Something my dad and I have recently talked about is how much phone-time people nowadays have. Their phones are always on them and it's honestly an issue. I don't remember the last time I went somewhere without my phone, which is a rather sad truth. I want to disconnect from the electronic world. There's nothing incredibly important that's posted on Facebook. It's just a waste of time to occupy the gaps in my day. I need to put it down during dinner, and find alternate things to fill my time instead. By doing so, I'm sure I'll be able to focus on the now much more.

Lastly, although these are all things I want to fix about myself, I also need to remember to simply be myself. Everyone has imperfections. It's how we live with them and push through them that make us who we really are. I need to take a moment to be real and be grateful for who I am. Because I'm the only me that there is. And you know what? I'm happy with myself.

The Itch

I've got the tattoo itch, bad. As an already tattooed individual, I can completely stand behind the claim that once you're tattooed, you'll want more.

I got my first tattoo around 2007, after months of deliberation. It was a small piece, but I remember the drive was incredibly long and I was sweating bullets the entire way down. When I finally arrived at the tattoo parlor, my nerves vanished. I gave the artist my design, he copied it down and placed it on my shoulder blade, and went to town. Within 25 minutes (or less), it was complete.

Sometime around six months later, I felt the itch to get another. I can still remember driving up to a concert with a friend, and thinking "why don't I just get it now?" I didn't, mind you. I waited...about a month later, and then finally broke down. I went to the same parlor and it was just like before. In and out within a few minutes.

The last one I got was around my birthday in 2011; a birthday gift to myself, if you will. It was by far, the most painful out of the bunch, as it's down my abdomen - from my bra line to my panty line. It took a little over two hours and I cringed the entire time. But, ironically, it kind of reminded me that beauty is painful. To me, expressing myself through art was more than enough motivation to withstand a little pain.

All of my tattoos have meant something personal to me. Despite the insatiable urge to get another, I typically dwell on the design for months to make sure it means enough. My first was about beating depression. The second was about cutting. And the third, was a reminder that I am beautiful, despite what gets thrown my way. I've never once regretted any of my tattoos.

Now, after an over two year waiting period, I'm beginning to feel the tattoo itch stronger than ever. I have the means; I have the idea; I just have to get the specifics. Though my parents would freak, my mind keeps wandering back to the half-sleeve tattoo I've been contemplating for years. The idea behind the half-sleeve holds its roots in my urge to move across country to Washington state. I've been told many times by countless people that I am strong and independent, and that I've got more guts than most to uproot my life and settle elsewhere. While I may over-think (a lot), I still have a tendency of sticking to my guns and doing what I can. Because of this, I want my next tattoo to represent that nothing is out of reach. Whether it be love, happiness, or a shiny car; it's all within your reach as long as you try.

So that's my tattoo story. Three down, many more to go. What kind of tattoos do you all have? Or any that you'd like to get but haven't yet? Let me know in the comments!

Update: I did get a new tattoo. See below:

This Is Love

I realized today that I am one incredibly lucky woman. Not only do I have a great place, great friends and more money than I need...I have one hell of a catch in the man that I call Boyfriend.

We had a minor spat yesterday, and it made me realize just how lucky I am to finally be with a nice guy. My exes were relatively nice guys as well, but there's a distinct difference between them and this guy. Rather than avoiding conflict and creating more issues in the long run, we address what makes us tick and actually fix the issue. It's the most honest relationship I've ever been in, and I love that.

All the passion in the world can't save a communication-lacking relationship. My two previously failed relationships are proof enough of that. Maybe I'm wise beyond my years. Maybe I've just had enough crap thrown my way prior to this that a nice guy shines like a beacon. Regardless, I'll take it. :) We haven't been together for very long, but I find that the longer we're together, the better it gets.

Lately, work has been rather stressful. The reason for this is because I got a new coworker who's a little behind on what he should know. Not a big deal...I kind of figured I'd have to pick up the slack regardless. However, because this guy isn't performing as the company expected, they're left wondering who could take the spot of Lead Dispatch. Some think it should be me; others believe it should go to someone more qualified. Regardless of what happens, there's one thing that annoys the hell out of me. If you've never worked in an office before, let me tell you one thing: It's as bad as high school when it comes to talk. There's gossip, cliques, and lots of I'm-better-than-you type of interaction. This dispute of who should be lead is a treasure trove of possibilities in the aforementioned ways.

I mention this whole work thing because if it had happened in the previous relationships, the significant other would be annoyed and frustrated with me for venting my say. I know this because with my last ex, anytime I talked about work, his eyes glazed over and he found ways to change the topic. However, with Boyfriend, he listens to me rant and gives constructive criticism. He reminds me that, specifically in this instance, I'm good enough to do anything, despite what my brain might try to tell me. And I think that's another important thing in a relationship. Support and belief in the other is a big deal to me. I want to feel like the person I'm with has my back in everything, and for once I actually do.

Lastly, he's got a child from a past relationship, and while I've dated a single dad before, with that one, I'd never actually met the kid. Not so much with Boyfriend. He brought her along on the zombie walk, which was before we were even official. He invites me to things, and she's taken a liking to me. And honestly...I have with her as well. I'd always wondered how someone could fall in love with the man and his kid, but it makes sense now. She's amazing. He's a great parent with her, and I adore that little girl. When she gets super excited when I show up and screams "Jessi!" it's best described how my bestie says it "my heart does that 'thump thump' thing." I love that he's incorporating me into his family and that it's not weird being around them. It's an awesome feeling.

So alas, that is my life. This post turned out a little more look-at-me that expected, but whatever. ^_^

Danger: Boredom

This morning, my alarm scared me into consciousness, and I felt entire being seemingly screaming at me saying "No....stay here! There are bad things ahead!" And you know what? My mind was right.

Today's not necessarily a bad day, but it's definitely one where the comfort of my warm bed and the privacy of my own house are very appealing. I find myself drifting in and out of daydreams and wishing for unconsciousness while at work. My tasks are repetitive, my coworkers are annoying and rather bossy, and I can't help but yearn for the blue sky I can see out my window. 

My thoughts exactly.

It's interesting, however, that when waking up this morning, I had the sense that I should call in. I'm sure we all experience the sense of dread from work or school or some event we don't want to do. I know at least three of the five workdays, I wake up dreading work. However, today it was almost overpowering.

My drive to work was fine, but it seemed as though as soon as my butt hit the chair and my hands touched the keyboard, there was junk to take care of. The sense of urgency is like the ocean at the office I work at. At some points, it's calm and relaxing. But other times, all hell breaks loose. The phones ring off their hooks, the technicians go crazy and act like children, and the supervisors or fellow coworkers squawk around like chickens with their ego-boosted heads chopped off. It's all rather distracting, to say the least.

I find myself daydreaming until 1pm, so that I can take my lunch break. Little known fact: 1/2 of the time, I take a nap on my lunch break rather than eat. (Oh the joys of living close to work!) Once I clock back in from lunch, it's a 3-hr wait to go home again. Typically it goes by rather quickly, but on days like today, it wouldn't surprise me if it took forever to go by.

Time is a funny thing like that. The moments you want to last tend to pass you by quickly, while the ones you wish would speed past tend to drag on. The first day that the boyfriend came over to hang out with me, time went so quickly. He came over around 7 or 8pm, and the next thing we know, it's 4am. However, it's nearly noon at this very second, and my brain keeps saying "Good God, we've still got five more hours!" I try to make the time go by quicker, but today it's just not happening.

Looks like it's time to break out the drawing utensils to pass my time! Got any ideas as to how to pass the time? Or want to speculate as to a) why time gets slower or faster dependent on what we're doing or b) how our minds know (sometimes) about the hell-day we're about to walk into? Leave me a comment!

Inspiration: Tom Hiddleston

I am a huge nerd for those of you who may not know. I spent the majority of my weekend watching small panels from this year's Comic-Con in San Diego, specifically from The Nerd Machine. They hosted panels called "Conversations for a Cause" that helped raise money for Operation Smile (an organization to help children born with cleft lip/palate). The Nerd Machine was founded by Zachary Levi -- who you might remember from the awesome show "Chuck."

Anywaaaay...while filling my brain with people like Nathan Fillion and Alan Tudyk, Matt Smith, Steven Moffat, and Jenna Coleman, and so many more. But amidst all of those, there was one that caught my attention more than the others.

Tom Hiddleston. 

This man is amazing. Most people know him from his portrayal of Loki in Thor and The Avengers, as both were incredibly popular films in the past years. The upcoming movie Thor: The Dark World (out November 8th of this year), is perpetuating his fame even more. However, I learned a lot more about his character after watching the video below. I would definitely recommend watching it. If you've got an hour of your day to waste, do it!

Regardless, the whole point of this post is that watching the video below absolutely inspired me. I posted a quote that he had referred to on my Facebook page. It was from Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream and said, "Take pains, be perfect." He then goes on to describe how to him, this means that it's ok to feel. He talks about doing what you love and how you've only got one life to live, so why waste it. Something about it really resonated with me.

I sometimes get into moods where I'm complacent with what I'm doing. My job works for now - it pays the bills, and it's not too incredibly difficult. But after watching this man speak, I feel like I'm meant for so much more. The hopes and dreams I have don't seem unreachable, and I feel my brain push me towards art, books and music. I hope this new found inspiration sticks with me and that Tom Hiddleston can help you into inspiration as well.

Butterflies

It's interesting how a kiss on the head is such a small sign of affection, but it can mean so much. Strange how the word beautiful can mean so much more than pretty. So many little things take on such a bigger meaning after time.

I'm fairly certain that despite my attempts to thwart it, I am and have always been a hopeless romantic. When in a relationship, especially one in it's infancy, things are so exciting and captivating. My brain craves cheesy love songs and movies, while my heart skips a beat at the tiniest of things. Aww is one of the most constantly used parts of my vocabulary during that time. It's like with the flip of a switch, I am transformed into a different person.

I mention this because I'm in a new relationship. He's an amazing guy. He's incredibly sweet and easy to talk to. His hobbies and interests mirror some of my own, without being overwhelmingly similar. I feel like we mesh well together and we're both incredibly honest with one another.

And here's the kicker...I get butterflies with him each and every time we're together. Don't get me wrong, I've gotten butterflies before in past relationships. But they always tend to fade quickly. Things get complacent and the spark loses its glow. The attraction is still there, but the excited feeling fades. However, with this guy, it hasn't happened yet and that's amazing to me. I've got a perpetual smile that won't seem to fade, and I'm ok with that.